"Lo sita lecha ashera kal eitz aytzel mizbach Hashem Elokecha asher ta'aseh lach."
"Do not plant an ashera tree near the altar that you have made for Hashem, your G-d." Deuteronomy 16:21
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The union between a man and a proper woman is considered an altar which
expiates his sins; this rings true only when he weds a proper woman. The
Torah teaches us that with respect to a proper wife, a man cleaves to his wife
to become one flesh, basar echad, because this couple was bonded in the olam
ha'achdus before each one individually descended to this world to be born
separate. Once they are married and rejoined, they
again become as one flesh. If one, heaven forbid, marries someone who is improper then it is as if he cleaves to a different god (kayl acher). Therefore his union with her is not 'as one flesh,' "basar echad," but as a 'different flesh,' "basar acher." Regarding a proper woman, the Torah teaches "this one shall be called a woman for she is taken from a man." "This one" refers to a female soul in the olam hanefashos which shall be a partner of a proper union. However if one chooses an improper woman she is like an asherah tree because the resh of the word acher becomes inserted into the word, ishah. Therefore the Torah enjoins us not to plant an asherah tree (marry an improper woman) next to the altar (matrimony). It promises to be a tail and a thorn in the side of a husband if his wife is improper and unsuitable for him. ********* ********** *********** ******** Translator's gloss: Olam ha'achdus and olam hanefashos are imprecise to translate but would literally come out to "world of unity" and "world of souls," respectively. ********* ********** *********** ******** Often when couples argue, it is more physically and mentally draining than physically getting the wind knocked out of them. It is painful because it saps the strength and energy of both spouses (combatants). It is for good reason that this is so and it can be excellent if couples realize why arguing takes so much out of them. To appreciate this phenomenon, the married person cannot initially be engaged in argument with his/her partner. Why is it such a stressful drain on a loving couple when they fight each other ? Simple. Because they are not fighting each other at all. It is a mistake to assume they fight each other when in actuality each fights himself/herself. Why else does a fight with a spouse have such a total negative effect on a person so fundamentally different than a spat with a business associate or friend ? Because all spousal arguments are essentially internal. The solution ? Easy. The man should agree with her side so long as it is not inconsistent with da'as Torah. The textual support for this is obvious. Recall that it is the man who leaves "his side" to cleave to his wife to be as one flesh and not the other way around -- if there is to be a "change in position or attitude," it is more than likely it should be the man who gives way. This solution usually saves both partners time and energy and therefore both win.
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