Buying Time

by Rabbi Michoel Levy

Rabbi Levy of Lakewood, New Jersey, is a high school Rebbi in Torah Academy for Boys, in Brooklyn.

The phone rings. He’s been thrown out of yeshiva. You’re told come and get him. While driving there, you wonder, “what now?” Maybe you saw it coming, maybe you didn’t. Now he’s in a new yeshiva. It’s been quiet for a few months. He likes his new yeshiva; at least he says so. But you can’t rid yourself of that nagging feeling that it’s a matter of time before the phone will ring again. A few months later it does.

Now he’s home. The difference is that now you are receiving an abrupt introduction to a son you don’t know. Instead of arguing about his homework, the battle rages about smoking, his new wardrobe, and why he must be in before four a.m. His old friends are gone. They’ve been replaced by a different set. They look scary to you. Going to shul Shabbos morning, tefillin, tzitzis, are all things of the past.

HELP!

You’re at a loss. The slightest comment or question you pose is met with an explosive and angry response. Everything you try backfires. It seems that anything you try to prevent him from doing, only causes him to react in an even harsher manner, accelerating his descent. “You don’t own me, it’s my life and I’ll do as I want,” is the immediate response to anything and everything.

His siblings are scared, embarrassed and confused. What happened to him? You’re not sure yourself. Can’t everything go back to the way it was? Can’t he just be the regular yeshiva boy you once knew?

The answer is no.

The moment you understand that the child you see now is who he is now, and you are now parenting the child you’re looking at, not the one you knew, you’ve started the long journey toward saving your son.

Something must have happened at some point that caused this. The possibilities are endless. Something at home, school, with friends, a learning disability, emotional problems, any of these or a few combined may have precipitated these events.

Don’t try to torture yourself over where the fault lies. In the early stages, it’s almost impossible to know. Although your child has formed a list of grievances in his mind about the how’s and why’s, it is safe to assume that he himself has no idea what caused him to change his mindset so dramatically. He may know he’s unhappy; but lacking emotional maturity, he does not really know why.

Most boys in their early teens, while possessing many aspects of physical maturity, lack emotional and mental maturity. Your son doesn’t know whether he is coming or going. He acts on impulse and emotion. He doesn’t need a reason. Perceptive – yes; bright – maybe; mature he is not.

Half the process of retrieving the boy you once knew is time.

When he reaches the age of eighteen, nineteen, things will have gotten clearer to him. His outlook will change. He matures mentally. He begins to realize that his life is his and that his decisions will affect himself more than they will affect anyone else.

Time must pass to reach this stage. You must buy this time. The rates are steep. How the time is bought will determine much of what your son will think and want out of life when he gets to this stage. Everyone settles down eventually. But when the dust clears, what kind of person will you see? It all depends on how you buy time during your child’s adolescence.

How to Buy Time

For starters, it is wise to find someone with whom your child can file his complaints. A psychologist, a family member, or a family friend may detect something that has been overlooked. Sometimes breaking the fall is as simple as that. Even if the child uses this person to get at his parents, you can only gain more understanding by hearing another point of view.

When buying time, structure is the key. Take it in any form it comes; work, school, gym, chavrusa. The ultimate structure is High School. If the yeshivos he has attended have not quite worked out, but he still expresses a desire to go to a more lenient school, a school that does not necessarily have the same hashkafos as yours, do not reject it out of hand. Ask da’as Torah. Do not get caught up in appearances. It may save your son’s life.

Sometimes sending him away to a foreign place will give him a fresh start and less cause to rebel. Eretz Yisroel, however, should not be an option before he is seventeen years old. He will not utilize his freedom to his benefit and it might ruin any chance of his gaining from this experience in the future.

If he shows an interest in anything – employment, computers, sports – grab a hold. Create some sort of schedule out of it. Never lose sight that even if every course you try fails, you have not failed. With each school and job that he tries, you are buying time. Time, which will bring you closer to your goal of getting him through his adolescence. If there are younger siblings at home that are being adversely affected, or the open confrontations with you have reached the impossible stage, try having him live with a relative or family friend to give both of you more space. Even so, it is absolutely essential to let him know that you’re not writing him off. Make him understand that although you love him, he is not the only consideration in your family picture.

Don’t pressure or impose. Don’t draw artificial lines. Trying to prevent him from doing things he’s already accustomed to will only foster more rebellion, and is counterproductive to maintaining your relationship with him. And the key is to work on maintaining the best relationship possible during this tumultuous period. Discuss things, keep open the channel of dialogue.

Do not attempt to change things back to the way they were. You cannot. He must do it himself.

Turn the other cheek whenever possible. The more you ignore those little things (dress, language, etc.), the less shock value they have, and the greater likelihood that he will tone them down a bit. At the end of this trying period, you want to see a young adult who, although he has not followed the lifestyle of his parents, has only good feelings for who they are and what their lifestyle represents. Then, when he embarks onto this new period of life, he may want to try out his old lifestyle once again.

The yeshivos that work with teenagers at risk employ many different methods. The common denominator of all these strategies is that the boy develops a new concept of what a rebbe is. Rebbe shmuesses, “chills,” plays ball and teaches Torah in a language he can relate to. In general, Rebbe is one of the boys. He makes it clear that you can be perfectly happy, content and “cool” while living a strictly Torah life.

The yeshiva in this role does not necessarily change what is going on in the boy’s head, nor does it curb all his activities outside of the yeshiva. But it does provide a strong alternative to those activities. Learning with “the rabbi” may not be hangin’ out with the boys, but it’s up there in the ratings. And if the boy maintains this commitment to yeshiva, then ultimately he will still identify himself as a yeshiva boy. This identification is critical when he reaches eighteen or nineteen and looks to make decisions.

Every boy is different, and so are his circumstances. Every single case must be weighed differently. The activities of some teenagers are more harmful (illegal) than others. Some of these problems must be treated in a professional facility. The concept of buying time, however, applies to all teenagers at risk. Implementing different methods of buying time is part of giddul bannim for some of our children. After all is said and done, tza’ar giddul bannim is a reality for all: less painful for some, excruciating for others.

Let us never forget that, come what may, these teenagers are part of Klal Yisroel. With a little Siyata diShmaya, the time we buy will ultimately result in keeping them there.

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